jake :: unfiltered

if you've ever had surgery, you know they give you some pretty heavy drugs beforehand. the most remarkable thing about the drugs they give you is that you think you're totally coherent but you have absolutely ZERO recollection of what you've said when you "wake up". 

until now. 

thanks to the quick thinking of my beautiful wife, i have a record of what i said in my drug induced state. as i lay in my hospital bed, COMPLETELY UNFILTERED... she took notes. i thought i would share a few (not all) of the nuggets of wisdom i dropped on the nurses and doctors (edited, of course... we're trying to keep this PG-13).

:: "dude, i feel like i'm drunk. i haven't felt like this in a long time." // at this point, the nurse apparently looked at kristi and asked how long we had been married. she was worried kristi was getting ready to find out some things about me she didn't know...

:: referring to the oxygen tubes in my nose // "i'm gonna pick some boogers and leave them on this thing for a surprise."

:: still referring to the oxygen tubes // "this d--- thing is making my nose itch."

:: referring to my itching nose // "i can put a lot of stuff in my nostrils." (i have no idea.)

:: "i think this is how we should interview people at waters edge." kristi asked why. "because this stuff is like truth serum."

:: apparently i've spent too much time in our elementary environment because i busted out a little "rainbow" from hillsong kids. apparently i even tried to do the motions in my bed. i'm sure it was amazing.

and my personal favorite... 

:: to kristi... "i think that nurse just grazed my wee-wee (shut-up. i have a two year-old. that's what we call it). don't worry, it didn't turn me on. it scared me a little. i was like... 'lady... don't be touching my (um... the medical term would be "testicles")."

honestly... i'm just thankful i didn't say worse.

Comments

[Katie]

Hilarious...tell Kristi next time to bring the ol' camcorder, although the descriptions above are priceless.

[Rob Shepherd]

Too funny...although I don't think Jake unfiltered and on drugs is that different than normal Jake.

[jake]

katie... trust me, if she could have, she probably would have.

rob... you're not supposed to tell people that.

[Julie]

I love the one about the boogers on the o2 tubes. Hilarious! Thanks for sharing!

[Carlyn]

Jake, I have never heard of them knocking anyone out for butt cheek implants? I thought that was outpatient? are you sure you just don't have an illegal drug problem?

[Jessie]

umm.... this is just TOOOO funny!

i love the unfiltered-ness of it all!
(kristi is SO smart!)

[jake]

julie... i think that may have been a little bit of logan's influence, there.

carlyn... don't be hatin' on my lack of a rear-end. and because you're a female i can't make inappropriate jokes back at you... and that's just not fair.

jessie... thanks! she's a pretty smart girl. i think i'll keep her.

[Robert Smith]

I would pay thousands for a video

[Amanda Brenneman]

hahahahaha, that's great! :) it will be a while before you live this down!

[Sara Arms]

Too funny! Thanks for the laugh at Jake's expense, Kristi! When Mike had his appendix out recently we tormented him as well. Some of it included pictures with a Webkinz pink dragon and his surgical hat that he kept insisting was a jiffy pop on his head because it was silver. Let's just hope that we don't have surgery any time soon. I am sure that they would love to get us back!

[jake]

robert... thousands, huh? if you want, i can go find a hospital gown and just record myself saying all of those things. i'll even throw in some bonus features that weren't included in this version.

amanda... i wouldn't expect any less. =)

sara... i really think this would be a great concept for a reality show. record people pre and post-op. i would watch it.

[Kristi Miller]

I'm still laughing. "I was like lady, don't be touching my (fill in the blank)".........hahahaha. Thanks for letting me laugh at you. I'm sure you'll repay the favor one day.

[jake]

kristi... there is NO DOUBT i will be returning the favor. someday. =) love you!

[Bethany]

Love it! So funny!